Mouse-related humiliation

I had to call the switchboard for Disney and talk to a heavily-accented woman who, based on what I'm assuming is company policy, was forced to end our discussion with "Have a magical day." You could almost hear the self-loathing in her voice.

But you know what would be even better? If that wasn't company policy and she just ended every conversation with "Have a magical day." I'm going to do that from now on.

As beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes and stronger than Hercules

Tell me this is not the greatest sweater you have ever seen in the history of the world. This is what makes me wish I was a better knitter but other than the alien scarf and the skull, I'm somewhat of a crafting failure. But this is makes me want to pick up the ol' sticks again, try to make this sweater, fail miserably and then not knit again for six months to year.

Anti-badass Update

Someone needs to start heeding my advice or someone is going end up starring on "Everybody Loves Shia."

LaBeouf's Car Trouble
Shia LaBeouf has found himself in even more trouble - his car has been impounded for improper parking. On Tuesday, a warrant for his arrest was issued after he failed to show up in court to face an unlawful smoking charge. The warrant was recalled on Wednesday when LaBeouf's attorney showed up in court to plead not guilty on the 21-year-old's behalf. A pre-trial hearing has been set for April 24. Now, it has emerged the actor's car was impounded for improper parking after he blocked a residential driveway with his sports utility vehicle. Authorities were notified after a home owner in the Los Angeles apartment complex left a note on the car before it was towed away. LaBeouf was forced to hire a driver to get him to a photo shoot for Arena magazine in Los Angeles the following day, reports New York gossip column PageSix.

LAAAAAAAME.

Murder Incorporated

"Woman stabs partner to death after fight over Bruce Springsteen"

Karen Lee Cooper, got eight years behind bars for fatally stabbing her boyfriend because he wouldn't let her listen to the boss.

My favorite part?

"I couldn't even play Bruce Springsteen on my stereo. Can you believe that? Can you believe that?" Cooper told police, according to the Courier Mail newspaper.

Later, in a formal police interview, she repeated her claims: "I mean, who doesn't like Bruce Springsteen?"

Amen to that, sista.

This entire case is completely ludicrous. She was only acting in self defense.

Free Karen Lee Cooper! Who's with me!?

Anti-badass

Why is Shia LaBeuof the lamest celebrity of all time?

Arrest Warrant Issued for LaBeouf
An arrest warrant has been issued for actor Shia LaBeouf after he failed to show up in court on Tuesday to face an unlawful smoking charge. The Transformers star was cited for lighting up in a non-smoking shopping area in Burbank, California last month and was scheduled to appear in court early on Tuesday. Authorities have issued a $1,000 bench warrant for his arrest, according to Tmz.com. LaBeouf's latest legal woe comes just a few months after the actor was arrested for trespassing in a Chicago, Illinois drugstore. The 21-year-old was charged with a public misdemeanour in November , after refusing to leave the store while drunk. The charges were later dropped.

And he had so much potential with that drunk and disorderly in the Walgreens! Oh no wait, that still wasn't cool. What's next? Fucking jaywalking? Maybe some unlawful littering?

Look LaBeouf, if Indiana Jones is going to even deign to call you son, you're going to need to step up your game. May I suggest an inocuous drug charge? Marijuana possession perhaps? Some kind of scandal involving a stripper wouldn't hurt either. Oooh! What about a paternity suit!? Let's put a little more effort into getting in trouble next time, shall we?

On a side note, I recently found this picture, which I find beyond creepy because I think it makes him look a ninja turtle:

Round 'em up

"News roundup: Girly drinks and peeping toms"

Why do you think the skipper was so fat?

"'Gilligan's' Mary Ann caught with dope"

...And Mary Ann was the innocent one! No wonder it took them so long to get off the damn uncharted isle. If I was blazing, I wouldn't want to leave either. Fashion me a TV out of boulder and some coconuts, Professor, and I'm golden.

Look at this mugshot! She looks out her mind! I'm a little proud of Dawn Wells. Even though she got off the hook by saying the joints found in her car were smoked by the three hitchhikers she picked up she a) let the hitchers light up in her car and b) had the balls to pick up the three hitchhikers -- although, she did her island stay (presumably) un-raped by the Skipper, the Professor and Gilligan (Little Buddy, indeed) so it has to be expected that she knows kung fu or something.

I think this calls for a the first ever Molls to the Wall Secret Badass Award. Congratulations Mary Ann/Dawn -- although if I were a heterosexual male, I probably would have chosen Ginger but now that I know you are smokin' blunts with hitchhikers, I just may have to change my mind.

everything comes down to poo

My first foray into multimedia...

"Seeking 'poo-phoria'"

Accepted!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

"Girls with an ax to grind — and play."

Check the comments. If there is one thing a working at a website has taught me, it's that as long as people can hide behind some meaningless moniker, they have the ability to become indignant about the most ridiculous things.

Denied!

I was supposed to write this for a blog at work but, even though they accepted the pitch, they killed the final product BEFORE seeing it. While this would generally piss me off (because I'm god's gift to writing, remember?!), I'm actually relieved. The ladies of Broadsheet are whip-smart (albeit, with mom-jeans hiked up firmly at the waist) but they would have hated this:
Turns out Mama Rose was ahead of her time.

Matriarch of the Lohan clan and Lindsay's drinking buddy, Dina Lohan, can finally stop living vicariously through Lindsay. Dina now has her own show where she can begin to live vicariously through her other daughter.

E! picked up eight episodes of the show to premiere this summer. It's tentatively titled "Living Lohan" and follows Dina and 14-year-old daughter Ali as they move from Long Island to Las Vegas in order to jump start Ali's career. Dina told Page Six that she has "no choice" but to do a reality show so people can get to know the real Ali. The same Page Six piece quotes a Teen Vogue interview with Ali in which she said, "I grew up watching Lindsay. It made me want to do what she does." Would that be the naked photo shoots of dead sex symbols or the hat trick of rehab stays? In her downtime, Dina will prove her mom-of-the-year skills by deigning to hang out with her not-famous kids, 11-year-old Cody and 20-year-old Michael.

Wild Things star and worst Bond girl ever Denise Richards also has a show slated for E! airing this summer. She too can tell her side of tabloid fodder (like that time she started sleeping with best friend's ex-husband. That, like, totally wasn't her fault). The as-yet-untitled show will feature her kids, three-year-old Sam and two-year-old Lola. Richards' ex-husband, that bastion of virtue known as Charlie Sheen, wasn't happy about the deal and took Richards to court to keep their kids off-camera. That's right, the man who almost had his children taken away from him because of his "alleged proclivity for online erotica," took the moral high ground. Sheen lost, although a judge laid out some unreleased ground rules for when Sam and Lola are ready for their close-ups.

But wait, it's totally cool that Richards is exploiting her toddlers! Do you think Denise would go ahead with the show without getting their input first? Richards said:

"I asked them if they wanted to be on TV and Sam said, 'Yes!' My girls have been around it so much. They love the makeup. They love the hair. They love all of that."

When I was three, I wanted to be a movie star, too. I also ate Play-Doh.

Previously, familial reality shows waited until the kids were old enough to make fools of themselves without their parents help (see: "The Osbournes," "Hogan Knows Best"). But these women do have a precedent: Single, career girl complete with a kid who is forced into the frame. Lest we not forget "The Anna Nicole Smith Show."

Everything's coming up roses, indeed.