Look how excited Chris Wheeler gets

Psychic Moments: Jon Lovitz gives me super powers

It's well-known in some circles that I love Jon Lovitz to a somewhat unnatural degree. Maybe it's because he's hilarious, maybe it's because Mom and Dad Save the World is cinema at it's finest. The world will never know. It essentially all comes down to the fact that I would sleep with Jon Lovitz. And I'm not ashamed of that. Which may just make it worse.

Either way, yesterday, I really wanted to watch the "A Streetcar Named Marge" episode of The Simpsons because it heavily involves Jon Lovitz. I was pretty much thinking about it all day for no other reason than it's awesome. I tried looking for it online but no dice. After a good 20 minutes of searching, I gave up and resigned myself to watching something else that would surely disappoint because of its lack of Jon Lovitz. But then I turn on the TV and …

…it was the motherfucking episode.

Thus proving that Jon Lovitz, in all of his light and glory, enables me with super powers.

For your viewing pleasure:

Start watching at 2:15

Look, people, you just don't fuck with a guy who has no name, got it?

Round 1: Spike Lee is pissed 'cause Clint Eastwood didn't include black soldiers in either "Flags of Our Fathers" or "Letters From Iwo Jima" while promoting a movie at Cannes that, among other things, features the guy from "The Cutting Edge."

Round 2: Eastwood responds with something about how "Flags" was about the iconic flag-raising picture and that was only a bunch of white guys and "Letters" was about the Japanese so, you know, only Japanese guys. Eastwood finished up with "a guy like him should shut his face" rather than the more appropriate, "What ever criticisms you have about me are inconsequential because I was the outlaw Josey Wales."

Round 3: Lee counteracts with "He sounds like an angry old man."

What I predict will happen in Round 4: Eastwood responds to Lee's assertion with, "Yes, this is true." He goes onto add that he was in "Hang 'em High," which is really entertaining.

In conclusion -- CAGE MATCH:



vs.



WINNER: While I really loved "She's Gotta Have it" and the guy who edits Spike's documentaries guest-taught one of the only cinema studies class where I didn't want to stab myself in the eye as an excuse to leave, do you really think I was going to give it to anyone buy Harry motherfuckin' Callahan?

Pomp and/or Circumstance

Happy Graduation

So, I was researching Clint Eastwood's tenure as the mayor of Carmel -- where, in 1986, he doubled voter turnout, won 72.6% of the vote and made both "Heartbreak Ridge" and "Bird" During his term -- I also learned that Arnold "It's not a tumor" Schwarzenegger just fired him from the State Parks and Recreation Committee. Are you seriously going to fire Harry Callahan and think you're not going to get a .44 slug to the head? I couldn't find an official reason why he got sacked, which means that I'm allowed to make one up. You heard it here first, people. Gov. Schwarzenegger fired Clint Eastwood for being too much of a badass.

In conclusion -- CAGE MATCH:

vs.

WINNER: Obviously Eastwood. Fucking, duh. Any man who can survive Jessica Walters in "Play Misty for Me" deserves, like, two dicks or something.

Because I'm Blonde

My fellow Bruce compatriot at Salon went to see Dolly Parton last night at Radio City, where she put forth amazing Dolly-isms such as, “Someone told me I should run for president. I said, don’t you think that we’ve had enough boobs in the white house?”

She also, apparently talked about her charities, which number in the ridiculous. Check out "Dolly Parton's Book-Giving Charity: You Can Read a Lot Into It" from the Washington Post a couple years ago.

For fuck's sake, look at this:

· Paying for college scholarships in Sevier County since the 1970s. She currently provides $60,000 a year in scholarships at the county's high schools.

· Starting the nonprofit Dollywood Foundation in 1988 to promote education in the mountains where she grew up.

· Addressing the area's dropout rate with a program that promised seventh- and eighth-graders a $500 check upon high school graduation if they stayed in school and did everything they could to encourage a classmate to also stay.

· Donating $100,000 in 1997 for a birthing unit at the local hospital so residents wouldn't have to drive to Knoxville to deliver their babies.

· Providing funds to schools for computers, teacher's assistants and supplies.

· Opening the Dollywood amusement park in 1986, which, as the state's top tourist attraction, employs 2,200 and bolsters the local tax base.

Not to mention the fact that she sends a book a month to every child in Tennessee from the time they are born to the time they are five.

Damn, girl.

Plus, look at those ta-tas.



God Bless America.

Best. Idea. Ever.

Guillermo del Toro to direct 'Hobbit'

Dude, I'm so lame.

I'm a Supermodel! Work it Girl!

Surreal.

So, I'm in Whole Foods, minding my own business, trying to decide if a meal consisting of Diet Coke and and guacamole would be wise (I did, it was) and this guy comes up to me and we have a conversation that goes a little something like this:

Man: I don't want to be forward.
MTTW: Um, okay?
Man: If I gave you my website and contact information, would you ever consider working with an artist?
MTTW: What would I do with an artist?
Man: Model.

What I said to this man: No.

What I really thought but didn't say: Step off, motherfucker. I'v seen "Fame," like, a lot and if there's one thing I've learned from Irene Cara -- other than winning an Oscar does not guarantee anything more than being a segment on VH1's "Where are They Now?" -- it's that if some guy asks you to model or be in his movie, it's bound to be porn and I'm going to have to take my top off. While I would probably leave rather than blubber and cry (yet still remove my top) like Irene Cara did, I will certainly not be in your nudie art!

Man, I knew I like "Top Model" so much for some reason other than watching Tyra slowly, but surely, reveal the crazy. Obviously, this happens to me a lot, seeing as I often get by because of my looks.

Danny Federici: Pillar of sound

R.I.P Phantom Dan!

I'm glad I got to see him before his all-to-soon passing.

I know I shouldn't be upset about this, but I still kind of am.

Get those keys in order for when Bruce joins you in 60-70 years.

...And my mind has been officially made up

The Boss gives his official endorsement to Barack Obama

While presidential endorsements apparently don't matter, I'm a Democrat registered in Pennsylvania and I just went from officially undecided (but heavily leaning towards Obama) to being all about the boy wonder. I know that's a terrible thing to admit -- I should be paying attention to my principles and beliefs -- but it's totally true. Come on! Have you ever seen him live?! If he told me to vote for the Devil, I would change my registration to Republican ASAP. If only Bruce had come out with this revelation in February, NJ would have been a lock for Obama.

Word Vomit

"Bill Clinton: Older Voters too Savvy to fall for Obama"

"I think there is a big reason there's an age difference in a lot of these polls," he said. "Because once you've reached a certain age, you won't sit there and listen to somebody tell you there's really no difference between what happened in the Bush years and the Clinton years; that there's not much difference in how small-town Pennsylvania fared when I was president, and in this decade."

1. Why in god's name would you proceed to disparage one of the demographics your wife's oponent has a complete lock on? Why? Why would you do that?

2. So in doing this, all your really saying is, "Young voters are stupid because Barack Obama is telling them I was a shitty president. But I totally wasn't. I was, like, the best president ever. In summation, young voters, who my wife has trouble courting, are 'tards."

Fuckin' idiot.

My bio is my favorite part

"Meet Britain's Stephen Colbert"

The letters are kind of ridiculous. One commenter tells me my opinion is off and then goes on to restate my thesis, while a bunch of others pounce on me for reviewing an old, foreign TV show. This of course being the entire point of the "Re-Viewed" feature.

But I'm not obsessed. Like, totally not. Just sayin'.

Only a small one. You're going to have to find another "How To" for the big one.

I'm still trying to figure out why you would need to learn how to make a small crossbow out of household items.

On the surface, this would seem more useful but just in case those towel monkeys figure out they have opposable thumbs.

Stuff I Read: Oh, Wao!

Junot Diaz owns the Pulitzer Prize. Well-deserved, one of the best books I've ever read.

Stuff I read: Errol Morris is a better person than you

"Play it Again, Sam (Re-enactments, Part 1)" by Errol Morris, from the New York Times Blog.

Excellent blog post by legendary doc director Errol Morris about the use of re-enactments in documentaries, specifically "The Thin Blue Line," which has some of the most artfully shot and beautifully integrated re-enactments I have ever had the pleasure of seeing.

Caught "Mr. Death," a couple months ago and it was characteristically awesome.

Errol Morris is, most definitely, a secret badass.

...and then she said, "I'm gonna eat lightnin' and I'm gonna crap thunder!"

"Hilary Clinton: I'm like Rocky, I never quit" - from the London Times

“I know what it means to get knocked down. But I’ve never stayed down, and I never will. Let me tell you something – when it comes to finishing the fight, Rocky and I have a lot in common. I never quit. I never give up.”

Um, Hil-dawg, you do know that he loses at the end of the first movie, right? And not only does he lose but he loses by decision -- he was judged on skill and deemed inferior. And he does give up in the fifth one because the doctors say he'll die if he fights again so he has Tommy Gunn do it for him (of course, he owns Tommy Gunn later in the movie, but that fight is not sanctioned by the Pennsylvania Boxing Commission and would, therefore, mean nothing within the political arena).

Mouse-related humiliation

I had to call the switchboard for Disney and talk to a heavily-accented woman who, based on what I'm assuming is company policy, was forced to end our discussion with "Have a magical day." You could almost hear the self-loathing in her voice.

But you know what would be even better? If that wasn't company policy and she just ended every conversation with "Have a magical day." I'm going to do that from now on.

As beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes and stronger than Hercules

Tell me this is not the greatest sweater you have ever seen in the history of the world. This is what makes me wish I was a better knitter but other than the alien scarf and the skull, I'm somewhat of a crafting failure. But this is makes me want to pick up the ol' sticks again, try to make this sweater, fail miserably and then not knit again for six months to year.

Anti-badass Update

Someone needs to start heeding my advice or someone is going end up starring on "Everybody Loves Shia."

LaBeouf's Car Trouble
Shia LaBeouf has found himself in even more trouble - his car has been impounded for improper parking. On Tuesday, a warrant for his arrest was issued after he failed to show up in court to face an unlawful smoking charge. The warrant was recalled on Wednesday when LaBeouf's attorney showed up in court to plead not guilty on the 21-year-old's behalf. A pre-trial hearing has been set for April 24. Now, it has emerged the actor's car was impounded for improper parking after he blocked a residential driveway with his sports utility vehicle. Authorities were notified after a home owner in the Los Angeles apartment complex left a note on the car before it was towed away. LaBeouf was forced to hire a driver to get him to a photo shoot for Arena magazine in Los Angeles the following day, reports New York gossip column PageSix.

LAAAAAAAME.

Murder Incorporated

"Woman stabs partner to death after fight over Bruce Springsteen"

Karen Lee Cooper, got eight years behind bars for fatally stabbing her boyfriend because he wouldn't let her listen to the boss.

My favorite part?

"I couldn't even play Bruce Springsteen on my stereo. Can you believe that? Can you believe that?" Cooper told police, according to the Courier Mail newspaper.

Later, in a formal police interview, she repeated her claims: "I mean, who doesn't like Bruce Springsteen?"

Amen to that, sista.

This entire case is completely ludicrous. She was only acting in self defense.

Free Karen Lee Cooper! Who's with me!?

Anti-badass

Why is Shia LaBeuof the lamest celebrity of all time?

Arrest Warrant Issued for LaBeouf
An arrest warrant has been issued for actor Shia LaBeouf after he failed to show up in court on Tuesday to face an unlawful smoking charge. The Transformers star was cited for lighting up in a non-smoking shopping area in Burbank, California last month and was scheduled to appear in court early on Tuesday. Authorities have issued a $1,000 bench warrant for his arrest, according to Tmz.com. LaBeouf's latest legal woe comes just a few months after the actor was arrested for trespassing in a Chicago, Illinois drugstore. The 21-year-old was charged with a public misdemeanour in November , after refusing to leave the store while drunk. The charges were later dropped.

And he had so much potential with that drunk and disorderly in the Walgreens! Oh no wait, that still wasn't cool. What's next? Fucking jaywalking? Maybe some unlawful littering?

Look LaBeouf, if Indiana Jones is going to even deign to call you son, you're going to need to step up your game. May I suggest an inocuous drug charge? Marijuana possession perhaps? Some kind of scandal involving a stripper wouldn't hurt either. Oooh! What about a paternity suit!? Let's put a little more effort into getting in trouble next time, shall we?

On a side note, I recently found this picture, which I find beyond creepy because I think it makes him look a ninja turtle:

Round 'em up

"News roundup: Girly drinks and peeping toms"

Why do you think the skipper was so fat?

"'Gilligan's' Mary Ann caught with dope"

...And Mary Ann was the innocent one! No wonder it took them so long to get off the damn uncharted isle. If I was blazing, I wouldn't want to leave either. Fashion me a TV out of boulder and some coconuts, Professor, and I'm golden.

Look at this mugshot! She looks out her mind! I'm a little proud of Dawn Wells. Even though she got off the hook by saying the joints found in her car were smoked by the three hitchhikers she picked up she a) let the hitchers light up in her car and b) had the balls to pick up the three hitchhikers -- although, she did her island stay (presumably) un-raped by the Skipper, the Professor and Gilligan (Little Buddy, indeed) so it has to be expected that she knows kung fu or something.

I think this calls for a the first ever Molls to the Wall Secret Badass Award. Congratulations Mary Ann/Dawn -- although if I were a heterosexual male, I probably would have chosen Ginger but now that I know you are smokin' blunts with hitchhikers, I just may have to change my mind.

everything comes down to poo

My first foray into multimedia...

"Seeking 'poo-phoria'"

Accepted!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

"Girls with an ax to grind — and play."

Check the comments. If there is one thing a working at a website has taught me, it's that as long as people can hide behind some meaningless moniker, they have the ability to become indignant about the most ridiculous things.

Denied!

I was supposed to write this for a blog at work but, even though they accepted the pitch, they killed the final product BEFORE seeing it. While this would generally piss me off (because I'm god's gift to writing, remember?!), I'm actually relieved. The ladies of Broadsheet are whip-smart (albeit, with mom-jeans hiked up firmly at the waist) but they would have hated this:
Turns out Mama Rose was ahead of her time.

Matriarch of the Lohan clan and Lindsay's drinking buddy, Dina Lohan, can finally stop living vicariously through Lindsay. Dina now has her own show where she can begin to live vicariously through her other daughter.

E! picked up eight episodes of the show to premiere this summer. It's tentatively titled "Living Lohan" and follows Dina and 14-year-old daughter Ali as they move from Long Island to Las Vegas in order to jump start Ali's career. Dina told Page Six that she has "no choice" but to do a reality show so people can get to know the real Ali. The same Page Six piece quotes a Teen Vogue interview with Ali in which she said, "I grew up watching Lindsay. It made me want to do what she does." Would that be the naked photo shoots of dead sex symbols or the hat trick of rehab stays? In her downtime, Dina will prove her mom-of-the-year skills by deigning to hang out with her not-famous kids, 11-year-old Cody and 20-year-old Michael.

Wild Things star and worst Bond girl ever Denise Richards also has a show slated for E! airing this summer. She too can tell her side of tabloid fodder (like that time she started sleeping with best friend's ex-husband. That, like, totally wasn't her fault). The as-yet-untitled show will feature her kids, three-year-old Sam and two-year-old Lola. Richards' ex-husband, that bastion of virtue known as Charlie Sheen, wasn't happy about the deal and took Richards to court to keep their kids off-camera. That's right, the man who almost had his children taken away from him because of his "alleged proclivity for online erotica," took the moral high ground. Sheen lost, although a judge laid out some unreleased ground rules for when Sam and Lola are ready for their close-ups.

But wait, it's totally cool that Richards is exploiting her toddlers! Do you think Denise would go ahead with the show without getting their input first? Richards said:

"I asked them if they wanted to be on TV and Sam said, 'Yes!' My girls have been around it so much. They love the makeup. They love the hair. They love all of that."

When I was three, I wanted to be a movie star, too. I also ate Play-Doh.

Previously, familial reality shows waited until the kids were old enough to make fools of themselves without their parents help (see: "The Osbournes," "Hogan Knows Best"). But these women do have a precedent: Single, career girl complete with a kid who is forced into the frame. Lest we not forget "The Anna Nicole Smith Show."

Everything's coming up roses, indeed.

I'm totally doing this with my Minnie Mouse towel later

I find this informative, creepy and awesome: how to fold a towel monkey.

You can also fold a towel cat, a towel lobster and a towel elephant. The towel lobster and the towel cat look like...um...strangely folded towels (honestly, how is this a cat?) but the elephant looks pretty sweet. Even so, doesn't the final towel monkey kind of look like the weird root baby from "Little Otik"? Oh shit, what if towel monkeys eat people too?! We're doomed.

I'm just sayin', when the towel monkeys go on the offensive, don't say I didn't warn you.